Out Loud And Proud

My “Give Us This Day Our Daily Gin” quote: “Do American women wear ‘Panty Shields’ because they live in dangerous neighbourhoods?”

# posted by C.S.Lawrence : 7:59 PM  6 Bitchin' Back

...friend brings over DVD, says gotta watch! amazing stuff! unbelievable! Oooh has it got super special effects? No. Hmmm. Oh its an edge-of-yer-pants suspense thriller? No. Hmmm. Shame oh well as long as its not anything from the Disney stables. So me and the Home Alone crew get out the popcorn and watch. Fast forward ten minutes. Here's us watching..

Damn, no wonder Farenheit 9/11 is X rated..its shit scary stuff! And there we were thinking it was gonna be about John Travolta and fire engines. Plenty of fire fighting okay plus shoot-em-ups featuring hardcore marines and softcore civilians but dang, its the Men in Grey that be givin' us the spooks.
Here's the leading actor watching it:

..."Gawdarnitt I jes lerv a good spoof..."

And he got re-elected to a second term after this film was released?? Wow. Guess first time round of conning and corruption and kissing Saudi ass wasnt enough, the Americans had to buy into a bonus round of conning and corruption. S'pose its not surprising, seeing as how they love sequels so much...once is not enough. Isn't it ironic that while most of the 9/11 bombers were Saudis yet Iraq gets blown to bits for being responsible for the attack..while Saudi business tycoons (remember Bin Ladin is one such tycoon) continue to work hand in glove to finance top U.S. politicians' financial interests (where financial success depends on creating instability in the oil world).
Now we have Birdbrain Bush rallying behind Dubai Ports World bid to manage 6 major U.S. ports. Does this explain why Dubai, the Emiratedom which was accused of supplying funding to al-Qaeda wasnt pinned with the blame for 9/11? Bush (quoting from Yahoo! News )"brushed aside objections by leaders in the Senate and House that the $6.8billion sale could raise risks of terrorism at American ports". Just like he brushed aside warnings of terrorist hijackings in the U.S. well in advance of the event.
Already Saudi Arabian investments in the U.S. economy represent..how much was quoted in the movie..7%? Now Dubai is moving in. I'm pointing all this out just to play the devil's advocate cos its not increased Arab entrepreneurial involvement in the U.S. economy that one should be alarmed about as much as the double-faced hypocrisy of America's Head Honcho and his band of henchmen.
Bush has been in bed with the Saudis for ages and U.S. administrations have been bedfellows with Saudi Arabia as far back as Roosevelt's meeting with King Saud in 1945. Why all the panic now? Arab business tycoons, be they Saudi Royals or Dubai entrepreneurs, are pragmatists and dont a shit about terrorists' cock-eyed idealism-they just want to work the money machine and they dont pretend to be otherwise. Bush on the other hand does a brilliant double act of championing democracy while cutting financial deals with autocracies. This is real crying-out-loud stuff...maybe I should stick to tear-jerker Disney movies. At least they have nice neat conclusions. But this stuff is just like "same shit,different day".

My "Give Us This Day our Daily Gin" quote: "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. "

Being the humble sort, I do occasionally, very occasionally, admit to being a complete idiot (mostly to myself of course). One of these rare occasions occurred recently; the perpetrator of my winning moment of idiocy posted a link from her blog to mismatch.com where she supposedly had selected some potential (mis)matches for herself: one being Da Bomber and another Not Da Bomber. After reading the hilarious profiles (which incurred frequent outbursts of steel-penetrating screams of laughter), I thought to miself, as I do sometimes, I just HAVE to check out this website...(not for myself of course since I'm not an eligible bacheloress; I'm not eligible, period). Turns out it was all manufactured; a product from the mind of a genius comic. I hate her. Not for her sending me on a wild gander. I hate her for her Beautiful Mind.
Not content with breaking a few ribs laughing over that one, I continued in my pursuit of a higher state of hallucinogenic hysterics and stumbled upon another blogger. This one is a duck-bashing bastard at work who also hates f**kin' cute twee kids on DisneyWorld adverts and vacuous blondes offering their dating services. I became progressively more alarmed as I read through his vitriolic rantings, knowing that sometimes too much of a good thing can be bad for one's health. At this point I was close to spontaneous combustion. Imagine the headlines (okay the small insert in the obituaries column):
"Bar-b-qued Blogger Found. Next of Kin claimed: "she never wanted to cause anyone any problems; she even spared us the funeral costs."
My "Give us this Day our Daily Gin" quote: Learn from your parents' mistakes: Use birth control.

Dear Blogod, (or is that Brrreeeport?)
It feels like I don’t exist unless I’m noticed. *sniff* As if everyone else in the world is only there to act as mirrors to verify my existence.
*sniff * That means in my world no-one is expendable. Definitely a world worth subscribing to, wouldn’t you say? I need EVERYONE and that gives EVERYONE a purpose for living, perhaps not to their liking but certainly to mine: to certify that I exist. Egocentric perhaps, but it’s a good start, apart from selling all my earthly assets (amphibious sofa and all!) to pay for a university education in Big Bang physics.
I sometimes can’t help thinking *sniff* I might be just an idea scribbled in the margin of a scriptwriter’s dialogue. Filed under Optional Ending and sent to the studios; the storyboard artist writes back: “Please Reconsider!”. This one’s too Kamikaze. It wont sell, its too weird – apply for funding from independent movie studios…like the al-Qaeda Media Network. If they’re too busy filming “Danish Cartoonist Meets His Maker” , well.. you’re fucked. Time to switch themes: try doing “Teletubbies: Second Generation”. Might get WeightWatchers to sponsor.
Which triggers a tangential thought: I’ve read much ado about Buddhism in my quest for finding a balance in my life (anything to forego reducing my alcoholic intake) and I’m left wondering: how come Buddha is the ultimate in Spiritually Centred symbology? Is my happiness at the bottom of a family-sized portion of Bangers 'n Mash? Must I eat my way to spiritual fulfillment? No wonder I’ve been so unbalanced since puberty…I’ve sold myself to the myriad Dietary Deiticians who promise the path to feelgood is through culinary abstinence. Rosemary Conley, Dr. Atkins etc., YOU are the false prophets! Fuck off and go skimp on that Rich Chocolate Devil’s Cake, you poor sods! I’m gonna get into desserts like there’s no tomorrow (and considering today’s predictions that’s entirely possible).Suddenly, I feel alive, thinking of chocolate, independent of any other person’s verification. Is chocolate the answer to my vitality deficiency?
My "Give Us This Day Our Daily Gin" quote: LIFE IS TOO SHORT! EAT DESSERT FIRST!

MY TOP 1-2-10 WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION:

1) My partner's Margarita Mixes
2) My post-Indian Curry Night Out Farts
10) Ditto

TIPS TO AVOID DETECTION AS A MERCHANT OF WMD:
Dont kiss and tell on Google:



Bedpan Heads: "..you have the right to remain silent...you have-"
Hairy Head: "awww shuddup you F**ing Imperialist Idiots-I'm a dictator! Dictators can't be silent!..If I wanted to be silent I would have become a f**ing Mount Carmelite nun..."

Ladies and Gentlemen, and Inbetweens........if you didnt choose to stay in last Saturday night and watch the GOt 2 be Kiddin! Malta Song for Europe festival, yeah okay you may well have a life, but darn you missed summin! Well let me tell ya...T'was a Spectacle of Poncers! A Festival of Flunkers! A Drama of Dive-Bombing Divas!...and now for the bad news...Its like, because last year the Maltese chansoneure Chaira did her big-bussomed bit onstage without a single prancing swathed in brothel-curtain-satin dancer in sight when almost every other Eurosong submission had squads of choreographed naked-thighed tribesmen and women prancing about in the background (oh didnt you just LOVE those ethniky outfits...sort of like clothes straight out of the Shoestring Budget Catalogue - cant wear last year's clothes? Ho no! just shred it a bit more, sew on bits of buttons and strings and tassles and Hey Presto! zee Ethneek Look! The thing is, that "look" is someone's Sunday Best in Zimbabwe..but them Zimbabwes probably cant afford cable so they dont get to watch Eurosong chansoneurs dressing up as jungle bunnies)....
Read the rest of it here
My daily "Give Us This Day Our Daily Gin" quote: "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps".

Stunning images of stunningly athletic Maltese athletes recently competing in the recent Games for the Small States of Europe -you can download the screensaver from the Times of Malta
Malta's GSSE Advertising Campaign Poster: "WE MAY BE SMALL BUT WE GOT BALLS!" ...........








Maltese Bodybuilder Karen Caruana's physical appearance may have tipped off Games officials to her alleged steroids abuse........





Malta's Top Cross-Dresser in the Sumo Wrestling Event













Malta's Swimming Team get off to a terrific start..until they remember that they're in the 500m Backstroke Event....






Maltese Contestant wins in the Landrover Spare-Tyre Line-up..













After months of intensive training, Malta's Top Gymnast finds it hard to sit normally in restaurants...








Acting on insider rip-offs, a representative of Malta's Catholic Youth & Sports Association subjects Malta's Top Weightlifter to an on-the-spot check for suspected contraceptive use

During a visit to an insane asylum, a visitor asked the Director what were the criteria defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well” said the Director, “one test is that we fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub”. “Oh I understand” said the visitor, “ a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the teacup or the teaspoon.” “Well no” said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug! Do you want a room with or without a view?”
(Names have been changed or removed to protect the privacy of institutionalised persons....thats why you dont see my name mentioned.)
I am reminded of that catchy self-help psychology book that really caught on in the States (home of the Doc Fix Me Kwik culture) some time ago "Dont Sweat The Small Stuff". Believe me I dont. I dont even sweat the Big Stuff. I just smile alot, guess because I dont know what the hell's going on most of the time. Which is just as well perhaps because if I did I'd be one seriously de-hydrated dudette without much to show for it besides a sick complexion. As it is, I dehydrate enough from regular excessive intake of caffeine and alcohol (my morning-after pee comes out in dried pellets) but at least I had fun doing it! Not the peeing, iddyot!
Remember...Dont take life too seriously! No-one gets out alive.

Today's "Give Us This Day Our Daily Gin" quote: "Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig."

Isnt Comedy the truly Greatest Weapon in a Anarchistic Subversive's arsenal?? Or even in an Anarchistic Subversive's arse for that matter. I've been scouring the web today to keep tabs on the escalating furore about the Mohammed Cartoons and becoming increasingly alarmed. Until i came across a comment in an otherwise very serious intelligent commentary in the Scottish Sunday Herald which got my sardonic twisted knickers in a real frenzy: to paraphrase, the writer said if only the Czech Republic would publish the cartoons and then maybe Hamas would feel compelled to boycott Semtex....oh joy to the world of sardonic cynics!
This whole cartoon commotion is like the aftermath of a globally staged football match between the BLTs (the Bacon & Lettuce & Tomato sandwichers? or the Bin Laden Terrorist Sympathisers?) and the DPFCs (the Double Portion of Fish & Chips? or the Defenders of the Press's Freedom to Criticise?). And the BLTs lost. Sadly the ensuing hothouse rampage cant be put down to just blind-drunk football hooligans who are bad losers. Its so much bigger than that. But actually, peel away the onion skins and we're quite close. Not the whole inchilada because both teams in this global mishmash draw the line in different places. In fact, only one team draws the line anywhere and the other doesnt draw a line at all. As far as the SPECs are concerned, its a free-for-all which both exposes everyone ( from Top Dog Political/Religious Executive down the whole social food chain) to ridicule and in return, playing fair, ensures that the Ridiculed Top Dog has the inalienable right to retaliate, NON-VIOLENTLY!
The BLTs draw the line squarely when it comes to publicly ridiculing their Prophet and the reprisal is a free-for-all festival of indiscriminate war-mongering.
But oh you BLTs arent you the first to cross that line?? Every time you blow yourselves up together with hundreds of innocent civilians in the name of God, Islam and your Prophet Muhammed. What part of "DONT KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE" do you not understand?
Okay lets give the non-BLTs a chance. The masses of moderate peace-loving muslims who detest violence and indiscriminate killing. What have you done to stop it? How many peaceful protest marches have you staged in your countries, demanding your governments hunt down the perpetrators and bring them to trial as mass murderers (of course! cant bring the suicide bombers themselves to trial- a very clever but slightly OTT way of avoiding arrest). But what about the masterminds behind the Bombers? If Bin Laden and his ilk couldnt after all this time since 9/11 be sniffed out in the peace-loving muslim world of XXXXX billions, then the BLTs must be in the majority. Which means that the peace-loving Islamic world has been hijacked and set on a Kamikaze course. Which means that Islam as a peace-loving reformist movement is defunct. Which means we're not dealing with muslims anymore but a potent and lethal hybrid of politically marginalised tribes of uneducated hooligans. And the only difference between them and brainless football hooligans is that you cant call them lager louts because supposedly they dont drink. God, imagine if alcohol was halal! Karl Marx said "Religion is the Opium of the People"> He meant by that, religion stupefies the masses into a deluded subservience. What substance-abuse are the BLTs guilty of? Beats me.
I am desperately sad. In 20 yrs of studying Islam I thought maybe this ideology was the bridge between extreme other-worldliness and extreme hedonism; the medium between selfish capitalism and the individual-crushing communism. At the end of the day, its become just another religion. And how many wars have been waged in the name of religion? ..Or in the name of economics? ..Or in the name of protecting/appropriating natural resources....?..Or in the name of defending the right to be properly represented in cartoons....OOOFFF...bollocks.

Read a very Reasonable Review here

Today's "Give us This Day Our Daily Gin" Quote: " Noah's ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was built by professionals"

To all my trusty floowers..followers even (!) who come back here for a reg'lar beatin' wid ma Blog stik, you may have noticed I've done a wee bit of redecorating. This is NOT to be taken as proof that I'm fickle, can't make my mind up, spend HOURS in supermarkets, change my wardrobe every month..i.e. typical female (oo-er *ducks at sound of approaching low-flying missles from the Feminist Front). Nooo, I think I was either victim of my own super-inflated ego (highly possible, frequently occurs) as I merrily tinkered around under the bonnet of my Blog with all the aplomb of a Maltese mechanic OR I was victim of the Blog*spot server gremlins that apparently were having a rampage last weekend. At any rate, I was encountering significant poltergeist activity, most notably having my profile column sent to the bottom of the barrel (where some may think it ought to have stayed...*hissssss*). So I said SOD IT! jus' like that...SOD IT! (oooh! Dominatrix tendencies detected?) and went for a totally new template...I should call it the Jaffa Biscuit Effect. Baked on the outside, soft on the inside. Bit like my brain. But an appropriate face-lift me thinks, since orange happens to be my favourite colour.What does that make me I wonder...an Autumn person? Or just a juicy fruit? Squeeze me anytime, I'm such a touchy-feely person! Will dribble or squirt depending on your grip.Those who know me better would say I'd probably just burb or fart...hah! so much for the sms I recently received which included the line: "...great friends are like viagra: lift you up when you're down". Sure, my great friends lift me up, then look under my kilt and fall about laughing...

My "Give Us This Day Our Daily Gin..I mean Grin" quote: Its only called PMS because Mad Cow's Disease was taken.

ADT's recently introduced Driving Theory Test must have been custom made for Malta. The multiple-answer test is peppered with classic samples of standard Maltese driving behaviour (I was going to say etiquette but that would be stretchin' it). Poor wee teen sods who've grown up in a world where obviously "Who Dares Wins" is the only road rule drivers respect, must have a helluva time trying to understand this totally alien road code. It shows in recent ADT pass/fail stats - previously driving tests had an almost full class of graduates. Since the introduction of this new EU endorsed Theory Test, it stands at about 35%. The ADT's adopted a real Rambo Rules attitude, no doubt a clever way of generating more income by repeatedly slapping the "L" Word on Driving Licence Applicants' backs and forcing them to retake the 20 quids worth test again...and again..Here are some excerpts of the Theory Test (slightly embellished by u-no-hoo):
Q. As a driver what do you understand about the term Blind Spot?
A. an area not covered by your headlights / an area thats not your G-spot
Q.Which of the following may cause distraction while driving:
A. slapping your spouse / Maltese folk music on the radio /party political broadcasts on the radio
Q. You should not use a mobile phone while driving:
A. because reception is poor while the engine is on / you don’t have a hand free to slap your spouse / it drains your car battery / you cant think speak and drive at the same time
Q. While driving you should ONLY use a mobile phone when:
A. you have credit on it / you receive a call / you pass friends and can show off your new mobile / your car is stationary
Q. A pelican crossing that crosses the road in a STRAIGHT line and has a central traffic island MUST be treated as:
A. a pelican crossing that crosses the road in a straight line / one complete crossing during daylight hours only / an opportunity to scare pedestrians
Q. You are approaching a zebra crossing. Pedestrians are waiting to cross. You should:
A. give way to the elderly and infirm only / flash your headlights to indicate they can cross at their peril
Q. You should never wave at or urge people across a pedestrian crossing because:
A. it will give them a false sense of security / pedestrians shouldn’t be allowed to cross roads because they only slow down traffic
Q. When are you permitted to exceed the maximum speed limit?
A. When you are late for an appointment / when there are no SLOW DOWN signs on the road
Q. Why should you use your horn?
A. To greet other road users / to show your annoyance at other road users / to alert other drivers to your presence...
The funniest thing is that probably only newbie drivers know that this draconian EU endorsed road code exists, so for some time we're going to have THREE types of drivers out there : the newbie law-abiders, the newbie short-term memory traditionalists, and the older generation drivers who think the newbie law-abiders are right royal wooosies. The pre-EU Era drivers only get acquainted with the new road code when they get slapped with a driving violation ticket for a violation they've never heard of. "Stay in my lane while traversing a roundabout when some bloody great rattling toxic tincan of a bus is in front? Observe a 40 kph speed limit on an empty 3-lane highway when I'm already 50 minutes late for dinner reservation with the wife? What? I didnt M-I-M (mirror, indicate, manouever) before swerving across 2 lanes to take a side road?? F**kemm Gh**dek .." Actually, until recently I thought cars imported to Malta came without indicators (presuming it was part of some Customs Tax break), but now I see quite a few drivers using their indicators (not always corresponding to the direction they are actually going in, but at least they're familiarising themselves with the technique..practice makes perfect..RIGHT down..LEFT..up..). No sir we're not talking about which leg to lift to pee the farthest.