Monday, March 20, 2006
A Whole New Meaning to Being Bugged!
Bolting straight out of the Hollywood stables: “Terminator 3.5 cm: The Bugged Version”. Soon to arrive at a comedy venue near you. The plot: Pentagon defence scientists attempt to create an army of cyber insects that can be remotely controlled to check out explosives and send transmissions. Ok, are you wondering when I’m going to call your bluff and holler “Ha! Ha! You Bin Bolloxed!”. Well, don’t hold yer breath. 'Cos this Darpa stuff is actually from a recent BBC News article. "The new scheme is a brainwave of the Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency (Darpa), which is tasked with maintaining the technological superiority of the US military." Brainwave? More like a massive brainwobbly. Geez do these retired rocket scientists spend their breaks having midnight margeritas while watching re-runs of The Fly? "Darpa was founded in 1958 to keep US military technology ahead of Cold War rivals. Its website says it has around 240 personnel and a $2bn (£1.1bn) budget.” 
A Whole New Meaning to Being Bugged!
Bolting straight out of the Hollywood stables: “Terminator 3.5 cm: The Bugged Version”. Soon to arrive at a comedy venue near you. The plot: Pentagon defence scientists attempt to create an army of cyber insects that can be remotely controlled to check out explosives and send transmissions. Ok, are you wondering when I’m going to call your bluff and holler “Ha! Ha! You Bin Bolloxed!”. Well, don’t hold yer breath. 'Cos this Darpa stuff is actually from a recent BBC News article. "The new scheme is a brainwave of the Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency (Darpa), which is tasked with maintaining the technological superiority of the US military." Brainwave? More like a massive brainwobbly. Geez do these retired rocket scientists spend their breaks having midnight margeritas while watching re-runs of The Fly? "Darpa was founded in 1958 to keep US military technology ahead of Cold War rivals. Its website says it has around 240 personnel and a $2bn (£1.1bn) budget.” 
UK MInistry of Silly Walks Landmine Trauma Clinic fully endorse the project. Here's the plan: (1) They bug a bug! Yep, they put a chip in a bug while at the cocoon stage. (Hmm, guess thats a very good example of a "Sleeper". (2) When the chipped and mummified caterpillah turns into a butterfly, it becomes a fully fledged symtex sniffer! A Poo-pooing Entomologyst expert at Oxford Uni MNH said:" "What adult insects want to do is basically reproduce and lay eggs. You would have to rewire the entire brain patterns." Basically, Bollocks to turning bugs into human shield replacements. But wait for the funny part. Darpa tried this out before on wasps and bees and found they acted "unreliably" (they consistently preferred to sniff out a potential shagging mate than a chemical weapons factory...well, wouldnt you?)
And here's the FUNNIEST part: PREVIOUS Darpa schemes:
WWII: A Plan: Attach a bomb to a cat and drop it from a dive-bomber on to Nazi ships. The cat, hating water, will "wrangle" itself on to enemy ship's deck. Results: In tests cats became unconscious in mid-air. (ok no animal rights violation there cos kamikaze cat was DEAD when it hit the water and blew up)
WWII: Another Plan: Attach incendiaries to bats. Induce hibernation and drop them from planes. They wake up, fly into factories etc and blow up. Results: Failed to wake from hibernation and fell to death.(After this, the Bat's Compendium of Interpreting Dreams reads: If you dream you're freefalling, you're dead!).
WWII: Another Plan: Attach incendiaries to bats. Induce hibernation and drop them from planes. They wake up, fly into factories etc and blow up. Results: Failed to wake from hibernation and fell to death.(After this, the Bat's Compendium of Interpreting Dreams reads: If you dream you're freefalling, you're dead!).
Unfortunately, the Cyber Bug Scheme is doomed to fail since the terrorist bombers got wind of it and came up with their own protection strategy: Easy to apply, odorless maxi-strength cyber-bug repellent. ------------------->
Other Successes from the Darpa Loon Lab: Computer Game: Tactical Iraqi: to teach troops how to decipher Iraqi body language. This idiot-friendly RPG software was commissioned after Bush's stunned Military PR personnel learned from friendly Iraqi interpreters that the "thumbs up" sign (commonly understood by Americans to mean (a) you're doing a great job (b) we wanna be just like you-can we sign up with our thumbprint? (c) can you give us a lift in your cool Humvie cos all our camels have been blown up?) actually meant something quite different in Arabic:
# posted by C.S.Lawrence : 4:50 PM
UK MInistry of Silly Walks Landmine Trauma Clinic fully endorse the project. Here's the plan: (1) They bug a bug! Yep, they put a chip in a bug while at the cocoon stage. (Hmm, guess thats a very good example of a "Sleeper". (2) When the chipped and mummified caterpillah turns into a butterfly, it becomes a fully fledged symtex sniffer! A Poo-pooing Entomologyst expert at Oxford Uni MNH said:" "What adult insects want to do is basically reproduce and lay eggs. You would have to rewire the entire brain patterns." Basically, Bollocks to turning bugs into human shield replacements. But wait for the funny part. Darpa tried this out before on wasps and bees and found they acted "unreliably" (they consistently preferred to sniff out a potential shagging mate than a chemical weapons factory...well, wouldnt you?)
And here's the FUNNIEST part: PREVIOUS Darpa schemes:
WWII: A Plan: Attach a bomb to a cat and drop it from a dive-bomber on to Nazi ships. The cat, hating water, will "wrangle" itself on to enemy ship's deck. Results: In tests cats became unconscious in mid-air. (ok no animal rights violation there cos kamikaze cat was DEAD when it hit the water and blew up)
WWII: Another Plan: Attach incendiaries to bats. Induce hibernation and drop them from planes. They wake up, fly into factories etc and blow up. Results: Failed to wake from hibernation and fell to death.(After this, the Bat's Compendium of Interpreting Dreams reads: If you dream you're freefalling, you're dead!).
WWII: Another Plan: Attach incendiaries to bats. Induce hibernation and drop them from planes. They wake up, fly into factories etc and blow up. Results: Failed to wake from hibernation and fell to death.(After this, the Bat's Compendium of Interpreting Dreams reads: If you dream you're freefalling, you're dead!).
Unfortunately, the Cyber Bug Scheme is doomed to fail since the terrorist bombers got wind of it and came up with their own protection strategy: Easy to apply, odorless maxi-strength cyber-bug repellent. ------------------->
Other Successes from the Darpa Loon Lab: Computer Game: Tactical Iraqi: to teach troops how to decipher Iraqi body language. This idiot-friendly RPG software was commissioned after Bush's stunned Military PR personnel learned from friendly Iraqi interpreters that the "thumbs up" sign (commonly understood by Americans to mean (a) you're doing a great job (b) we wanna be just like you-can we sign up with our thumbprint? (c) can you give us a lift in your cool Humvie cos all our camels have been blown up?) actually meant something quite different in Arabic:
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