Thursday, March 09, 2006
Iran:Next target of U.S. Military Aggression
Okayeee. Lets recap. The U.S. invades Iraq because of Saddam's conversion to the euro of Iraq's oil exports in 2000 which threatened the U.S. petrodollar...ooops, sorry, no I mean Saddam was a DESPOT! He had a nasty covert WMD operation which was deviously housed in milk factories. Blanket bombing followed and nothing was ever found. But Bush wasnt going to waste time crying over spilt milk. Ho noo! Onto Plan B-COM-Pleet-ID-yot. He proceeded to hype up the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda. Destroy Saddam! Flatten Iraq! Find Bin Laden. They find Saddam. They can him. They turn Baghdad into a "How The East Was Won" theme park. They dust for fingerprints but no Bin Laden. They start to help them poor Iraqi sods rebuild Iraq. Lets put out tenders, shall we boys? No? Just give it all to Halliburton 
as a no-bid contract, suggests "former" Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney. Yeah! Much simpler idea. I like simple ideas. They're the only things that make sense to me.
So the U.S. generously re-builds Iraq. But the bloody ungrateful Iraqis arent buying it. Sectarian strife breaks out like a bad case of psoriasis. Uh oh. This wasnt planned. Its gonna fuck up our PLAN C. What is PLAN C? Wholesale conversion of Iraqis to Presbyterianism with the aid of fastfood vouchers? Nooooo. PLAN C is to INVADE IRAN! But why? WHY? Cos I dont like 'em - they aint fromTexas. Whats more they're planning to screw up the petrodollar just like Saddam did, by tradin' their oil with the euro . Bastards. We had it all neatly laid out on our Monopoly Board (Pentagon version) that by 2005 we would have established the Presbyterian State of Irak and then cooked up some baloney to justify bombing Iran! All is not lost (except our credibility as a champion of democracy).
So the U.S. generously re-builds Iraq. But the bloody ungrateful Iraqis arent buying it. Sectarian strife breaks out like a bad case of psoriasis. Uh oh. This wasnt planned. Its gonna fuck up our PLAN C. What is PLAN C? Wholesale conversion of Iraqis to Presbyterianism with the aid of fastfood vouchers? Nooooo. PLAN C is to INVADE IRAN! But why? WHY? Cos I dont like 'em - they aint fromTexas. Whats more they're planning to screw up the petrodollar just like Saddam did, by tradin' their oil with the euro . Bastards. We had it all neatly laid out on our Monopoly Board (Pentagon version) that by 2005 we would have established the Presbyterian State of Irak and then cooked up some baloney to justify bombing Iran! All is not lost (except our credibility as a champion of democracy).
We can still cook up some baloney "High Security Threats"...we're good at it. Ha! Ha! Saddam, WE TOO have WMDs.....they're called Weapons of Mass Deception! So, lets see. Well after the Iraq debacle, (daabaagle? wa tha hayl's thayt anyway Deekie? anudder type o' bagle?),we cant exactly peg Iran as another WMD outlet. But wait! I have an idea! Its ingenious in its simplicity! (Security Council hurriedly pull out pad and pen to take notes on Bush's NEW GREAT IDEA-The Sequel). Ok, we blame Iran for the bagle in Iraq! We find evidence that the weapons used by Iraqi insurgents are supplied by Iran! Yeaaah. Ok still following me? Its real simple but the spelling's a bit complicated. Thats why I dont read from cue cards. We heighten Iran's terrorist profile and that will make it easier for us to insist that Iran stops its evidently aggressive nuclear program. If they dont, we bomb 'em. Back to Plan 2004: "Operation Pulverise The Persian Pricks".
But Pakistan has a nuclear program..why arent you going after them? Two reasons, dork. They dont got no oil. Secondly, they been giving us information about Iran. They been helping us to sneak into Iran and in exchange we gave their naughty Nuclear scientist suspected-nuclear-black-market trader A.Q.Khan indemnity from international tribunals.
Any other great ideas Mr. Anti-Terrorism President? Yeah, kill Michael Moore and Alan Jones. And get me my buddy Shaikh Mohamed bin Zayed bin Maktoom bin Dubai on the line...I gotta anudder great plan.........
# posted by C.S.Lawrence : 1:58 PM
Okayeee. Lets recap. The U.S. invades Iraq because of Saddam's conversion to the euro of Iraq's oil exports in 2000 which threatened the U.S. petrodollar...ooops, sorry, no I mean Saddam was a DESPOT! He had a nasty covert WMD operation which was deviously housed in milk factories. Blanket bombing followed and nothing was ever found. But Bush wasnt going to waste time crying over spilt milk. Ho noo! Onto Plan B-COM-Pleet-ID-yot. He proceeded to hype up the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda. Destroy Saddam! Flatten Iraq! Find Bin Laden. They find Saddam. They can him. They turn Baghdad into a "How The East Was Won" theme park. They dust for fingerprints but no Bin Laden. They start to help them poor Iraqi sods rebuild Iraq. Lets put out tenders, shall we boys? No? Just give it all to Halliburton as a no-bid contract, suggests "former" Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney. Yeah! Much simpler idea. I like simple ideas. They're the only things that make sense to me.
So the U.S. generously re-builds Iraq. But the bloody ungrateful Iraqis arent buying it. Sectarian strife breaks out like a bad case of psoriasis. Uh oh. This wasnt planned. Its gonna fuck up our PLAN C. What is PLAN C? Wholesale conversion of Iraqis to Presbyterianism with the aid of fastfood vouchers? Nooooo. PLAN C is to INVADE IRAN! But why? WHY? Cos I dont like 'em - they aint fromTexas. Whats more they're planning to screw up the petrodollar just like Saddam did, by tradin' their oil with the euro . Bastards. We had it all neatly laid out on our Monopoly Board (Pentagon version) that by 2005 we would have established the Presbyterian State of Irak and then cooked up some baloney to justify bombing Iran! All is not lost (except our credibility as a champion of democracy).
So the U.S. generously re-builds Iraq. But the bloody ungrateful Iraqis arent buying it. Sectarian strife breaks out like a bad case of psoriasis. Uh oh. This wasnt planned. Its gonna fuck up our PLAN C. What is PLAN C? Wholesale conversion of Iraqis to Presbyterianism with the aid of fastfood vouchers? Nooooo. PLAN C is to INVADE IRAN! But why? WHY? Cos I dont like 'em - they aint fromTexas. Whats more they're planning to screw up the petrodollar just like Saddam did, by tradin' their oil with the euro . Bastards. We had it all neatly laid out on our Monopoly Board (Pentagon version) that by 2005 we would have established the Presbyterian State of Irak and then cooked up some baloney to justify bombing Iran! All is not lost (except our credibility as a champion of democracy).
We can still cook up some baloney "High Security Threats"...we're good at it. Ha! Ha! Saddam, WE TOO have WMDs.....they're called Weapons of Mass Deception! So, lets see. Well after the Iraq debacle, (daabaagle? wa tha hayl's thayt anyway Deekie? anudder type o' bagle?),we cant exactly peg Iran as another WMD outlet. But wait! I have an idea! Its ingenious in its simplicity! (Security Council hurriedly pull out pad and pen to take notes on Bush's NEW GREAT IDEA-The Sequel). Ok, we blame Iran for the bagle in Iraq! We find evidence that the weapons used by Iraqi insurgents are supplied by Iran! Yeaaah. Ok still following me? Its real simple but the spelling's a bit complicated. Thats why I dont read from cue cards. We heighten Iran's terrorist profile and that will make it easier for us to insist that Iran stops its evidently aggressive nuclear program. If they dont, we bomb 'em. Back to Plan 2004: "Operation Pulverise The Persian Pricks".
But Pakistan has a nuclear program..why arent you going after them? Two reasons, dork. They dont got no oil. Secondly, they been giving us information about Iran. They been helping us to sneak into Iran and in exchange we gave their naughty Nuclear scientist suspected-nuclear-black-market trader A.Q.Khan indemnity from international tribunals.
Any other great ideas Mr. Anti-Terrorism President? Yeah, kill Michael Moore and Alan Jones. And get me my buddy Shaikh Mohamed bin Zayed bin Maktoom bin Dubai on the line...I gotta anudder great plan.........
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